That Balancing Act

It's been running through my mind lately...as it has in the past 9 years since I've become a mother. What is the perfect balance between motherhood/parenthood and giving to one self?

I have had a difficult time with this one question; and I truly now believe that it is the million (or billion now days) question. If we only knew the answer to this then we would have all the answers and mysteries of the universe solved. Some mothers, as I did myself, go into motherhood head first, accepting all the challenges full-heartedly and doting on their children day in and out. Somewhere along that path, you may find yourself running out of gas, as I did not too long ago. And then you, or me in this case, resolve to commit more time for yourself (i.e. exercise, catching up with friend, hobbies, or taking a shower daily).

I, like many of us, come with baggage from a family that tried to do their best. Both parents worked and dedicated some time to family life, but the interpersonal connection was seldom there. I half-heartedly laugh as I correct my mother, for the up teenth time, that no, my best friend was not so and so. There were few extra curricular activities. I remember junior high and high school as a very lonely place, where a young girl could have benefitted from a mentor or someone to explain things to and to push to pursue dreams and passions.

Come back to the present, where I am a mother of 3 young children. I myself am a woman beginning 40s now, still feeling energetic, but yet trying to catch up on time that was committed full-heartedly to my children and my family life. I now understand the challenges of motherhood. Wanting to be the best mother, but yet feeling like you don't want to loose yourself in motherhood. I want to take pictures of my children and prepare exciting projects and activities for us to do, yet I would like to be in those pictures from time to time. At first, it's ok to let yourself go, I feel you really have to commit to newborns and toddlers. After that it is time to start taking time out for yourself. But how much and, as in my case, how do you let go? Slowly, I've realized that if you don't make plans for yourself, plans will be made for you. The train will continue to roll without you. Feelings of "guilt" ensue when I can't sign up my daughter for another extra-curricular class, or continue to talk with her well past her bedtime. They are mild tugs at the heart, but they're still there. I feel like people ignore who I am, not just a mother to three lovely kids, but the me. There's always the: how are the kids, what are they up to, how is your husband, but seldom the: how are you? There's the requests for pictures of the kids, but seldom, can you send me a picture of you with the children. I've even been told to move to the side so that people can take a picture of the 3 kids--I'll leave names out, but it is hurtful to say that it is from people that are very close to me.

The me who was a writer, who liked listening to salsa music and doing crazy things from time to time. I still do some writing, and belt out a tune in my kitchen, but the crazy, sporadic things are for the most part gone. The friends and family that I once felt connected to have slowly drifted apart, partly due to distance and some I believe to the fact that they don't relate or perhaps do not see me in the same light as they did in the past.  So in essence, feelings like a used up newspaper that has been left out in the rain.

Don't feel bad. I know that I have to continue. That I have to continue in that search to find a perfect balance for me and to not loose sight of who I was and who I want to become.

A Walk Through My Town

It's been almost two years since we moved across the pond to Europe and settled in Germany. Sometimes it seems as if it was "just the other day" and other times we feel very homesick for our friends and family and way of life back in the States. But we've slowly adjusted and are truly now enjoying living in Germany and discovering all the wonderful things living in Europe has to offer.

We live in a fairly small town, although it's connected to other bigger villages and fairly close to many conveniences. One of the things we love about villages here is how they are essentially all structured in almost identical ways.

 Our local bakery and some of the many enticing treats. 

 The farmer driving his truck around town. I guess he's getting ready for the harvest!

 The local soccer field. It is a small field, but their season runs all year long, rain, snow or sunshine.

 Germans houses typically do not have big backyards. It is more common to see a small front garden. 

 Orchids, orchids and more orchids. 

The local drugstore. It's not unusual to see tiny shops decorate their front windows according to the season. This time it was Mardi Gras, or in German "Fasching"

 A very typical German house in this area of Germany.

There is a main street where you always find a bakery or Bakarie. Usually villages also have a small grocery store, gas station and Sparkasse or Bank. If you're lucky, your village also has a Metzgerie, a butcher shop, with select cuts of beef (fairly expensive compared to American prices), and poultry and of course, sausages and deli meets some of which, for me at least, may take years before I'm adventurous enough to try!! There is also a small pub or Biergarten. You can usually see people seated outside the Biergarten, enjoying a a glass of their favorite Hefe weisen or light beer.

There are houses on the main street as well, but usually they are on smaller streets, which by the way are much narrower than in the U.S. The way villages are designed, it is sometimes easier to walk to the grocery than maneuver through streets in your big "American" SUV or worse, Mini-van, to buy your food. It is a welcome change to see ladies walk with their baskets or canvas grocery bags (paper and plastic bags are not given at grocery stores--you have to bring your own) to buy their bread, meat, and daily pantry items. You also see more cyclists, especially on weekends.

As you walk through a village, you may notice how almost every window displays an arrangement of flowers and plants, and especially orchids. Ironically enough, this tropical plant thrives in many German homes, some say the condensation created by radiators which are usually below windowsills and the cold weather outside plus the sun the orchids get by being placed next to a window create the perfect greenhouse conditions for the orchids to flourish.

Further away from the main street you might find a small green space with a modest playground area. German kids are not used to the big structures of the parks in the States. A couple of swings, a merry-go-round and perhaps a see-saw and a sandbox are good enough for the German children. That may be why you might also see children here climbing trees, going on hikes and riding their bikes--mostly alone or with friends. Germans are big on instilling independence on their children and it is not uncommon to see kids as little as 6 years-old walking to school on their own.

In some of the quieter, "sleepy" towns there is still a farmer at the very end of the village with a plot of land. There is a village not too far from ours that has a vending machine where you can purchase the milk from the farmer's cows and also local eggs. There's also a nod to the Christian roots and Stone Crosses honoring Jesus in some towns. The local farmer also might leave a plot at the end of his land to plant "blumen" or flowers. In the spring, you can find people picking flowers and leaving the money to pay for them inside a metal box. Picking flowers from the field is probably one of my favorite things to do with the children in the spring.

One thing I've noticed living in my town is the lack of noise :) There is seldom a car passing by with music blasting out. Sundays are considered family days. All stores, with the exception of restaurants, are closed. You do not see people mowing lawns, doing yard work or washing cars on Sundays. It is typically very quiet and you see an occasional person walking or going on a hike. Germans love the outdoors and some villages have a system of trails in the woods interconnected to one another. So you could go on a hike from your town and end up two or three villages over. The trails are very well marked and indicate the direction and towns you're walking towards.

Another popular thing to do on Sundays is to watch a futbal or soccer game. Although teams play year round, it is more common for the smaller town teams to play mostly in the spring, summer and fall. We're lucky that our village has a soccer team and a field not too far from our house. One of our goals is to go watch a soccer game this year.

Getting the family on board a healthy lifestyle

Trying to get the family on board a healthy lifestyle can be hard. Especially when it’s more than just you and your husband. Especially when there are work and time commitments. In the end, it will only succeed if you and the rest of your family are on board, and if you receive the respect and support from your husband as well as your children.

I have to admit, that my husband and I have always been like-minded and have strived for a healthy lifestyle (most of the time) J But in the end, we have always agreed that we want to live a “healthy” but balanced lifestyle—so sort of like having our broccoli but getting to enjoy our ice cream as well.

Today, it is far more complicated. Because our children have different food preferences and I have a more restrictive “diet” now. Now that I don’t eat wheat and dairy on a daily basis. Amazingly, it has been fairly easy to incorporate meals that I can enjoy along with my family. And I am finding out that what I thought would be a total disaster: “what, no cheese lasagna?” “no breadcrumbs on the salad?” has actually been a step in the right direction for the entire family. A typical dinner at my house consists of chicken or beef and a side portion of rice or potatoes along with chopped fresh, rather than baked, vegetables (which the children prefer) along with a salad. So we have in essence increased our vegetable intake by cutting out on some of the bread. There are many pasta dishes though. I just make sure to fix pasta by itself and then the family can fix their own plate to their liking. I usually fix quinoa, sweet potatoes or brown rice for myself when I fix pasta.

One of the tastier meals is when we grill chicken or beef, chop some peppers, cucumbers and tomatoes and eat Greek gyros. I fix a yogurt dressing for a topping, but also make sure to buy hummus for myself. It is fresh, healthy and tasty—all the ingredients my family requires to make a meal a success!!

Another goal for 2017 is to cut-back on some of our sugar intake. We have traditionally allowed the children to eat dessert after every dinner. This in addition to sweetened yogurt for a midday snack and of course a piece of chocolate or baked goods that are usually more than readily available in Germany. One of the biggest culprits was buying into the fact that Nutella, a chocolate spread, served in the morning along with toast, would actually be a good thing for the kids. Not only did it increase their sugar intake, but also prepped them to have a very sweet tooth and increase their desire for sweets later on in the day. We are still having some sugar in the morning: typically toast with jelly (but only a small amount) along with eggs or oatmeal. At night however, we usually skip “dessert” which used to be ice cream, candy or some sort of baked good. Instead we have fruit along with plain yogurt or amazingly enough—go without dessert! The childrens’ taste buds are changing and they are not demanding as many sweets as before. Just two days ago, my oldest daughter, notorious for her sweet tooth, skipped eating her pastry and gave it to her dad instead. She said she wanted to eat something light and fresh, and chose and apple.

The important thing is to gradually introduce new eating patterns and foods. And once you make the commitment try to adhere to it. For example, if your rule is to only have dessert on weekends—stick to that. Another helpful tip is to try to get your children involved in the food decision process, either at the store or in the kitchen. I am starting to allow my 3 year-old daughter into the kitchen to help me fix smoothies, oatmeal, cookies and other easy dishes. She’s very eager to help and is always curious to try what she has helped to make.