Learning to Let Go--At Least a Little Bit

It's a been a tough 2 1/2 months. We've had a bout of pink eye that hit two kids and myself. Then the inevitable cold and cough just about 3 weeks ago. We're hopefully on the end of this sickness. In the meantime, my weight has been dropping, I'm now at 104 lbs. Not intentionally. I'm concerned as to why I'm losing so much weight. The doctors cannot find anything wrong, my first three exams all tested normal for thyroid, anemia and blood sugars. I've been told to eat more--and so I am trying to do that. I may just add a bottle of Ensure to my lunch or as a snack to help me out. My clothes are really loose and not a very flattering picture. And so, here I am trying to see what's at the root of all this. I'm trying to not stress, since I think stress is what is affecting my health in the first place.

Today I saw the neighbors' kids riding their bikes all on their own. No sign of the parents anywhere. I'm sure the mom was keeping tabs on them from a window once in a while. They just learned to ride their bikes two days ago. Sure, the neighborhood is a safe place and we live on a circle, not a busy street at all. I wonder if I would have the courage and self-control to let go of my kids and let them ride their bikes on their own when the time comes. I'm not commenting this to chide the mom.  I actually admire her. She is a smart mom--taking it all in stride. She's also a mom of three and busy as heck. So she lets go sometimes, that's how she keeps balance and sanity. That's how kids grow up and learn. They may fall, they may bump into things (hopefully not a car), but they're in they're neighborhood--really they only ride about three houses down. They have a set of rules they follow--for the most part. So my goal is to let go of things a little bit. So that my kids can learn. So that I can have time for myself. So that life is less stressful. Sometimes chaotic but I can't pretend that everything is packaged up and neat all the time. Life is messy. Life is a beautiful mess! Today at mass I asked for enlightenment, for hope, for strength. For clarity--really. Clarity to see things for what they are, to not let my emotions get the best of me. For strength and energy to keep up with this beautiful, chaotic, messy life that I have. It's full, it's rich, it's intense. For the discipline to let go of things, of my kids, a little bit.  And that's what I'm going to try to do. Sometimes I long for the quietness my life was before getting married and before kids. And then I look back and remember how lonely I felt and how I at that time asked for things to fill up my time, my space, my heart, my life. And I have what I want. I just have to know how to handle it all, how to keep myself, me and how to still be in the thick of it with my kids, my husband. I envy the moms that have realized this perfect "imperfect" balance of their lives. They look more rested, fuller, happier than what I think I am. I hope to be one of those moms, sooner rather than latter.

Xo,
Vanessa

Before the thoughts evade me

We're in the middle of a polar vortex that's hit most of the United States. The words seem so gloomy. It is awfully cold, even here in the south. But today, in the middle of this polar vortex, in the middle of what is and has been a chaotic life for the past 3 1/2 years--it hit me. The exact moment was when I was nursing my youngest, my now 8 month-old daughter. She was nursing and falling asleep, beautiful eyes closed, her long eyelashes hitting her cheeks. She was so calm, so perfect. It then hit me: how luck I am to be a part of this moment with her. How many moms don't have the privilege to be nursing their young ones, in the comfort of their home, warm when everything else seems so cold and uninviting. I held her for a few minutes longer, nuzzled against her. Really I was silently thanking her for letting me be with her. I also thanked God for letting me realize what the true gifts in life are. I've been asking for wisdom,  for strength, for patience, for patience, for patience. How many moms don't have the time in their daily chaotic life to realize what precious gifts children give to us in their moments of silence, of sillyness, of brilliance. We live such distracted lives--multi-tasking from one moment to the next. Having to keep a balance between it all. I actually got another present not too long after I put my baby girl to sleep. I went into our kitchen where my middle child was rolling out play-dough shapes. I sat down next to him--dedicated a whole 20 minutes of my time to rolling out play-dough stars. He counted them, 13 of them all!! He counted to 13 all by himself. How wonderful, it's a progress from a little boy who is usually so busy running around dressed up as a superhero. This was his moment of calm, our moment together as mother and son--a quiet time in the middle of this polar vortex. So here I am writting this post, while my baby sleeps and my son eats his peanut butter pretzels. I'll cut it short for now, more thoughts on the great gift of motherhood later. But I wanted to share this with other moms. Motherhood just like most things in life are a series of pieces that have to be fitted correctly in order to solve the puzzle. It's a big one, what truly is the best way to be a mother? A rhetorical question of course, but there are certain things that are better than others. Taking the time to be still with our children is probably something that is underrated, it's importance overlooked by many in our society of overachievers. Thank you Lord for giving me this gift in the beginning of the year when I'm making some decisions about parenting. I promise to cherish these moments of togetherness with my children, I will try not to brush them aside with my To Do list or my appointments. Now I'm headed back to play superhero with my son.

Goodbye 2013 Hello 2014

2013 was a year of many blessings for me and my family. The most celebrated was the birth of our third child--our little girl dumpling. She is absolutely beautiful and it's true, she does now complete our little clan. We are so lucky to have her. We also were fortunate to move to a new place, which has many scenic places for the family to enjoy. Our oldest daughter is enjoying her first year in elementary school (I can't believe she's already a kindergartner). And our son continues to grow and amaze us with his wit and stamina--he truly is a unique individual--a diamond in the rough!

There's always room for self improvement and that's what this post is about. I truly am blessed with a beautiful family. I feel that 2013 was a year of personal challenges, despite all the gifts I received from above. Physically, I've been feeling weaker than usual. I hope to get back to my workout routine and become stronger and healthier. I'm no longer interested just in the aesthetics, but the real health of my body. Although I am thin, I do not consider myself healthy. I eat healthfully most of the time, but would like to be more consistent with my food choices. The top resolutions for me: to be more patient and more assertive in my choices. Patience--with my children, with myself, with my husband. Patience is at the heart of what my religion teaches, yet it is something I struggle with on a constant basis. I'm realizing that patience doesn't happen in a vacuum, there are steps to help achieve a patient and balanced state of mind. Exercise is key to patience. Taking time out for myself will also help me achieve happiness and in turn have more patience with those around me. Having time for prayer is at the key of mantaining a patient state of mind and remembering what is important--establishing my center. Self-assertiveness. A huge challenge for me at times. As I get older, I am more comfortable with this word--assertiveness. I used to shriek a the word, but now I realize it is not only important, but necessary if I want to live my life happily and how I choose to live it. So many of us women, are taught to be obedient, compliant, docile and not really taught the importance of feeling empowered and self-assured. I definitely do not want my girls to feel bad about being assertive--so it all begins with me. If I'm going to preach self-assertiveness and confidence to them, I have to show it, I have to feel it, I have to live in that way. Perhaps my hangup is that I've always felt that humbleness and self-assertiveness were at polar opposites of each other. Today, I know this is not necessarily so. In order to be successful you have to know when to be humble and when to be assertive. Even the most humble human being--lived assertively and never backed down from his beliefs. It is an empowering thought. This is my focus for the new year. I have a lot to be thankful for and I would like to show thankfulness by how I live my life--beginning with a wonderful new year.

Tug-of-War

Any parent can appreciate the following anology--parenting is like a game of tug-of-war. I don't know about you, but the image of me on one side of the rope and the kids, husband, family duties on the other side has recently been popping up in my head (kinda like a comic strip balloon pop-up). Is it wrong to want to dedicate time to myself? I constantly find myself torn between giving the kids their much-needed one-on-one time, or trying to find more healthful, and sometimes complicated meals, for the family, dedicating those last few hours before going to sleep to my hubby--and giving myself some time to do basic things like cut my nails or even FLOSS!! Life is kinda crazy right now, and I'm sure in 10 years I'll laugh at how chaotic this small clip of my life was. But for now I feel that I have every right to hold my own in this tug-of-war. If I give in sometimes it's good: for the kids, the hubby, the home, family life in general. If I don't give in sometimes it's also good: it gives mom sanity and a feeling of self--which after all is needed if you're going to keep the anchor of the family going. If I'm not feeling satisfied, and whole, it can wreak havoc on the family at the end. So, one of my biggest goals in 2014 is to take time for myself, unapologetic, without regrets--it's become essential to my well-being. I'm already feeling much cheerier and hopeful at the thought of this. It's as if some burden has been lifted off of me--you are allowed to be happy, to look good (at times), to be selfish and want things just for yourself. Yay ME!

Merry Christmas...we're alive!

We had a rough holidays this year. I say rough because we were sick, everyone except little princess. Some nasty cold virus that is going around. But staying home and not traveling was probably a blessing in disguise. I was wearing myself out with a busy schedule. My husband was as well. The kids were probably suffering from a little bit of TV syndrome--that empty look that goes on their faces when the TV comes on.

It was a good thing I got sick. I think I finally realized that I need to start taking time for myself. The kids might go crazy, the house might be messy, it might seem chaotic at times. But I was seriously suffering from lack of TLC for myself. I'm still working on it. I feel that my body is slowly waking up. Hopefully soon, I will be able to get back into a workout routine. My mood is already looking brighter. Even sexually, I've perked up. 2014 might just be a year of change. Just like everything, this decision to take care of myself was a long time coming. I had heard it from my mom, my sister, even good friends. I had also seen other poor souls who I felt needed to take time out for themselves. Finally, I don't feel guilty anymore. For some reason, I felt as if taking time out for myself was neglecting my children. WRONG. Actually taking time for myself is being a good and better mom for my kids. I don't want them to see pictures of me tired and bedraggled all the time. I want them to have a good image of me. I want to be active, fun, engaging. Not simply going through the paces of motherhood. I'm very excited about this realization. Yay me!! Now of course, every day is a small step towards that committment that I've made. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Lazy Sunday

Today, we decided to let the kids sleep in and just relax at home. No church, no errands. Just a lazy day at home. I plan on cooking a few meals and freezing them. Next week will be a busy one, and I want to be ready--cooking will not be a priority. So here I am, enjoying a few minutes of quiet time with a cup of coffee. The time before the baby wakes up, before the middle child gets up and complains about a nightmare, or a wet bed! It's times like these that you do count your blessings for a healthy, happy family. Tomorrow it's on to tackle the world. But for today, it's a lazy day.

Brave New World

Today, I woke up to more news about the Navy Yard shooter. I remember driving by the Navy Yard on several occassions and thinking what an interesting part of D.C. it was. The base looked secure and the houses quaint. There's a part of me that's relieved that there were no children involved in this shooting. This shooting. I think it's safe to say that we all expect others to come. This has become some sort of strange norm. I feel so bad for my children and their children. How did mass shootings become the norm in the United States?

Today I also went to my daughter's kindergarten curriculum meeting at school. The teacher told us how kindergarteners are now part of the standardized testing and are required to read, count to 100 and do certain geometry  problems, all by the end of the school year. Gone are the days when kindergarteners took naps at school. It's a brave new world for my little girl and her classmates. More and more of their time will be spent passing standardized tests so that teachers and school administrators can quantify students' performance and subsequently their own (the teachers). We (parents) are told this is an effort to further our children so they will be able to compete and thrive as professional adults. The real reason seems to me less romantic and much more simplistic: MONEY. High standardized tests scores means more money for the schools and bonuses for the teachers. What we're failing to see is that the good schools will continue to stay good and the bad schools will continue to fail---status quo. Why? The schools that are doing well are usually doing well because parents are involved--making sure their children are studying and passing their standardized tests. This testing puts more pressure on the students to perform--at an early age like kindergarten. I hope my daughter doesn't feel or think she's getting tested--I would think she'd feel pressure and may not test well at all. The notion of her going to kindergarten and being in a nurturing environment is out the window -- my bubble has been burst. Although her teacher is a sweet lady, there's only so much she can do to keep learning fun. I felt her anxiety today as she explained to us the testing and came out with a  new word which she kept repeating: RIGOR.

I came back home after the meeting and read a book to my daughter--just for enjoyment. Tomorrow, when she gets home from school, I will let her play a little longer. Reading and math can always be done another day.