We Are Our Own Best Advocates

I've got news--there is no Fairy Godmother. My kids may still believe in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus, but I've come to the realization that there are very few people that will take care of things and interest in you more than you will yourself.

I used to think that if I could just find the right doctor, the right hairstylist, the right dentist, etc, etc. they would be able to answer and solve all of my woes regarding my health, my teeth, my hair, etc., etc.  And I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been frustrated at doctors, hairstylists, and those professionals who seem to be less than competent.

So I've come to realize that I have to ask the right questions and be persistent if I feel that I need to fix or remedy an ailment or something that bothers me. We are our own best advocates when it comes to all matters regarding us. I'm not saying that you shouldn't go to doctors or to cut your own hair. What I'm saying is that you have to take an active part during your meetings with experts, no matter how highly recommended they come.

I recently had a scenario with two different doctors: one recommending a Vitamin D pill the other recommending a Vitamin D + Calcium pill. One doctor recommended against the calcium pill saying that it is very hard to absorb a calcium vitamin and that the levels of vitamin D in the calcium vitamin were very low and would not be beneficial to my body.  So what's a girl to do? That's where the questions come in handy. Don't be afraid to ask doctors questions. I now even jot down a few notes on my phone because I don't want to forget anything. Plus I've learned that having a notepad or something you can read from, slows doctors down a bit and makes them explain things in "lay man's" terms.

I've stopped feeling sorry for myself and the frustration that comes from multiple "experts" telling me  conflicting views and decided that I have to come to my own conclusions and be willing to be brave enough to stand up for what I think is best for me. We would do it for our children, for our loved ones and friends, why is it that we waiver when it comes to making the right decisions for ourselves?

Another key is to try to surround yourself around people and friends that will listen. They will listen to your frustrations, they will inspire you to look outside of what's worrying you and motivate you to seek the solutions to the problems you have. Mind you, that they will not be there to fix it for you, but will be there to encourage you along the way.

I've been more careful recently to give support instead of specific advice. I can always give advice from my own perspective, but I make sure I tell people this is my story, my experience, not theirs. They can take what I've learned and experienced and try to see if it fits their puzzle or somehow helps  their situation. But just like every head of hair is different and we cannot recommend one product to fix all of our hair woes, our advice is just that advice. Listen to it, ponder and see if you can put it into action for yourself. After all, I want to learn to put my own makeup on fix my hair and not just wait on Fairy Godmother to do it all for me. Who knows she might get held up in traffic, or have her own fashion disaster. The ball and prince charming are waiting and I'm ready to dance!!

The Hidden Gems: Lessons from Falling Down

This past week at my home, presented itself with some challenges. My son had his first soccer game of the season. His dad, my husband, is also his coach and so the whole family went to support them. The game started off good enough, both teams were a little rusty, but still trying their best to score a goal. They are still young and have 6 players per team out on the field and do not play full field yet.

It was during the second quarter that the coach from the other team started switching her players every 10 or 15 minutes and we started seeing problems. Clearly, the team was not playing by the rules which state you only switch players after the end of the quarter, when you let your subs in, or in the case of an injury. Our team was disheartened and also distracted by this constant switching and soon what was a one point lead turned out to be a 5 point lead. They clearly brought in their star player and our team's focus and stamina was thrown off. At the end of the game we had two children crying and my son, who is usually not bothered by much, was saying he didn't want to play goalie anymore. It turned out one of his own teammates had said some discouraging remarks to him.

My husband did say something to the other coach about fair play after the game. I thought he could have said more during the game, but then again he is the coach, so I let him be. What I did tell my son is that it's from games like these that we get our hidden gems. So much to learn. Sure, it was clearly not fair playing from the other team. Sure, something could have been done to prevent them from scoring. But hopefully, our team rises above this and comes out very resilient from this experience. I also hope they realize that one game does not determine how you'll do the rest of the season. They have a lot of work ahead of them. But it's in these struggles that you realize what you are made of. You can be defeated by mean words or unfair actions, or decide to rise above and find who you truly are and how far you can go.

My daughter has also been struggling with a relationship that is not positive. A friend who constantly puts her down about everything she says, does or even how she looks. It finally came to a head today and we realized that it is the best to completely sever ties with the child as well as the family. It is sad, but we have given it our best effort. And now we realize that we have to find positive relationships for her as well as for ourselves. She has to slowly build her confidence up and we have to help her achieve it and help her find her strengths and understand her weaknesses but not consider them catastrophic.  I confided in her that I had a bully in Middle School. Unlike her, I never confided in my parents, feeling that it would make me look even weaker and foolish. There was a lot of pain from those two years, but I rose above that. I would like for my children to understand that there's nothing wrong in how they look, act or think. Everyone has positives and negatives. We have to embrace as much as we can and change the things we really want to change (for the right reasons). The answers of course, sometimes take years to discover, but that's where the gems come out of.

I spent the whole morning talking to her about our differences and how beautiful it is to have people of different background, colors, religions, etc. Yes it's nice to find people with similarities, but it's also good to respect people that are different than us. I fear that somehow we will get stuck in a community that may not be open to people that are too different. Not because I feel that we are so different, but because I feel that I want my kids to embrace people different from themselves. I want them to struggle a little, to fall and scrape their knees. I also want them to succeed, but I want them to understand that the learning sometimes comes from the failures and that the real successes are because of those same failures.

I never realized until recently, that there is no shame in feeling less, in feeling humble, in feeling incompetent. It's in those times of need and hopelessness, that you realize that the true success is in getting up and facing your fears, beating the odds and jumping over the obstacles. If they weren't there in the first place, the success would not be as sweet!!

I have one piece of advice: STOP listening to every piece of advice you hear on parenting. In the beginning of my parenting years I strived for what I thought was perfection. I would read all the parenting magazines, blogs, books and try to find the perfect solution to every problem, to every detail. From what the children should eat, their health, exercise, what they should be reading, what toys to purchase and the list goes on and on. I was overwhelmed by all the advice out there. Sure some of it made a lot of sense to me. But in all honesty, some of it felt completely unnatural and foreign to the way I usually carried on my life.

Now that the kids are a lot older, I have realized that there is no perfect--only what is perfect for YOU. It started dawning on me after the kids entered elementary school. I would listen to other parents and moms go on and on about the virtues of this one method of learning, or this one product. But of course, the method and the product only goes as far as we make it go. I slowly started realizing that it's not about what books they are reading, what sports and activities they are involved with, what shows and movies they are watching. Sure, it is important to know what your kids are up to and understand the benefits and drawbacks that they are receiving and encountering. But what really makes that product, book or movie go the extra mile, is YOU.  Only you are able to understand and know what is best for your child and how you can make that book or activity work for them (and you).

My daughter put it best a few days ago when she compared me to two other moms who I admire greatly. She said one mom was the crafty mom, but that she was not in good shape. She said the other mom was in excellent shape and did all sorts of sports with her children, but never had the time to spend teaching them about music and art, and wasn't the cuddly mom. She said I was sort of in between--not quite as crafty but good enough and although sporty, I am not someone who'll go out into the woods spontaneously camping with my family. For her, this was the best of both worlds. I'm sure that if you asked my friends' daughters they would have a very different opinion of me and their moms.

And this is just right for my daughter--at least for now. I will never be the super organized mom, who can whip out a piece of art/craft in a few minutes. I will also not be the mom who sets up a tent in the wilderness--at least not entirely on my own ;) But I will be the mom who is striving to keep up with her children's activities and always trying to engage with them. Sometimes they might think it's boring that I always ask how they are doing and feeling. But I know that when they are in need for that hug--they will get it from me. And for some children, this is not what they need, not what they are used to. They will learn about resiliency and love in other ways. For me, one of my greatest joys is to have my family close to me doing an activity together, whether it is a sport outside or just reading books all cuddled up in bed. And that's the KEY. Let your children understand what is your JOY, what is it that makes you happy and what activities and passions can you share with your children. Once you discover that or share that with them, they will understand so many things about yourself and themselves.

Don't get me wrong. It is good to learn from our friends, our parents, our mentors. But it is also important for us to take those lessons learned and apply them to how we are, where we are in life, where our passions lie.

Some of us are stay-at-hom moms and can dedicate more time to one on one activities with our children or baking that apple pie with them from scratch. Others work a full-time job and can feel proud if they can show their children what it's like to be proud of the work they do, of a strong work ethic.

In the end, I think, that our children want to see us be happy. Not at their expense mind you. But they want to see us confident in what we are doing. They want us to engage with them and show them our passions--whether it's music, writing, art, sports, business, math, science, you name it.

If you can share that activity with your child, you will be able to connect in a way that some of us have failed to do.

SO my advice is not to strive to be this well-rounded person. I admit, there's nothing good about a parent who fails to get his child to school on time: EVERY DAY. I'm not advocating that. But I am advocating that you should cut yourself some slack on your downfalls and focus a little more energy on strengths you can model for your child. They will remember those far more, especially if you are able to engage them in those activities.

Mostly Mom: A New Beginning

Mostly Mom: A New Beginning: Today, right now, in this moment I am excited and a little afraid. The better word is not afraid but very aware and sobered. I write of this...

A New Beginning

Today, right now, in this moment I am excited and a little afraid. The better word is not afraid but very aware and sobered. I write of this, because for the very first time I am at home with more than 3 hours of my own. The kids are all at school until the afternoon. There are no pressures at home, no urgent errands or calls that I have to make. I have finally pencilled (and this time with ink :)) time completely for me.

I have been writing for a long time, for the need to establish a balance between being a mother and wife and being true to myself as the, now "relatively" young, woman that I am. My goals and dreams have been written out and it is completely and absolutely up to me to realize them. If there are things or people standing in my way, they can be easily overcome. I am sobered because I know the time is right now. There is no better time and will not be a better time. Kind of like fruit that is ripe for the picking. I have traveled a long way to get to this point and I am excited that I am finally here.

At first, I was scared of putting myself first when the children were so little and dependent on me. Now, they are sometimes dependent, but I have seen them grow and flourish. Now, I feel they are calling me to step up--to my full potential, so that I can share in this life with them. I am no longer needing of showers or naps to recover from late nights or early mornings were I need to nurse or tend to a sick child. Yes, sometimes, we still have accidents and need to take care of our kids, but those are far and few between. And I also have all the energy and my dreams intact, I feel that my mind has settled somewhat but is still very curious and willing to learn new things.

I don't write this to brag or boast of where I'm at. I write to encourage other moms that if you're in this point of life, you have to grab it now. To those that are still with little ones at home, you may find that there are moments where you can grab time for yourself. If you can't, don't despair, there will be a time in the near future. Meanwhile, hang on to your dreams and your goals. Do not let them go. And if you're still discovering what those are, keep searching until you find them. I personally, have always loved to write. And my life, has always led me there. No matter when or where, this is what I truly love and one of the things I am meant to do.

This post has been a long time coming. (I can see the eyes rolling now) LOL. The sun is out today in Germany and it's a gorgeous day. Curious that earlier this morning it was foggy and I thought for sure it would stay overcast the entire day. Just like the weather, our lives seem to take a change for the better or worse in the blink of an eye.

This was the case for my father over 1 year ago. He started having problems with balance and had a pretty bad fall that scared him and his family and left him having to use a cane and requiring medical care. Fast forward to today when he's been diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's Disease. Writing the words makes it very real for me. He is now on bed rest with very few outings. His lungs are giving way and his eating capabilities are now gone. It's such a stark contrast with how he lived his life. From a very early age, I always knew him as the smartest person in the room, he always had a smile on his face and was never at a loss of words. Now we are the ones talking to him, trying to keep him interested in something, knowing that somewhere in there is a man who needs mental stimulation or his life will drive him insane.

It's hard being so far away and not being able to see him, but I also know it's probably the best thing I could do. Dealing with his illness is coming to terms with life and how truly lucky we are to have the moments we have. I'm dealing with my own mortality, the fact that I'm getting older, just like all of us are. Life is still full, but we never truly know when our time will come. Thinking of my father, I remember how meticulous he was about taking good care of his health. He was always moderate in his drinking and I used to tease him at how boring and bland the foods he ate were. He loved to run especially at the beach. He would go to the doctor at the first sign of a pain -- or so we thought. It just goes to show that we don't really know when our time will come. It's an unknown. I also recently read "Me Before You" by Jojo Moyes about a man who is a quadriplegic and decides to take matters into his own hands and goes to an Euthanasia Clinic. I didn't really focus on the euthanasia subject, because I don't really believe in it--but his life and how he went from a 35 year-old successful, healthy man, to a quadriplegic. I thought of my own uncle who at 21 had a car accident and was left in a wheelchair without the ability to speak or eat--he's been living this life for 30 years now. His mother has taken care of him the whole time. It was a strange turn for his life and those around him. What is left to do, when you are next to someone who is experiencing death or a life changing tragedy? For me, it's holding on a little tighter to that person, giving them an extra hug and not turning away from them, even when it's hard not to. I spent a week in Panama mostly at the hospital with my father. I read him books, showed him videos of my children, told him I loved him and held his hand. Made peace inside myself with the difficulties we had had between us. And put everything else to the side--although it was hard to. Now back home, I hope that I held him long enough, I don't know if I'll ever know the answer to that. Maybe part of the answer to that question is how we decide to live after we've known someone who is facing a death.

Maybe they would tell us to go live life and to put regrets, reservations and resentments to the side. We've been telling our kids to stop fighting over things with each other. My husband asks them: "Is this something you'll remember next year, in five or ten years?" Big thought for a 10 and 8 year old, but something we should consider as adults. It's not easy, but I think of the pain that people face if they're suffering from a fatal illness. How can I not try to live a better life? We all face struggles, health, financial, emotional, physical and the list goes on. It's not that the struggle and pain will magically be lifted but that we put it into a different perspective. I see it as a way to honor the ones that are struggling or have struggled for their life.

That Balancing Act

It's been running through my mind lately...as it has in the past 9 years since I've become a mother. What is the perfect balance between motherhood/parenthood and giving to one self?

I have had a difficult time with this one question; and I truly now believe that it is the million (or billion now days) question. If we only knew the answer to this then we would have all the answers and mysteries of the universe solved. Some mothers, as I did myself, go into motherhood head first, accepting all the challenges full-heartedly and doting on their children day in and out. Somewhere along that path, you may find yourself running out of gas, as I did not too long ago. And then you, or me in this case, resolve to commit more time for yourself (i.e. exercise, catching up with friend, hobbies, or taking a shower daily).

I, like many of us, come with baggage from a family that tried to do their best. Both parents worked and dedicated some time to family life, but the interpersonal connection was seldom there. I half-heartedly laugh as I correct my mother, for the up teenth time, that no, my best friend was not so and so. There were few extra curricular activities. I remember junior high and high school as a very lonely place, where a young girl could have benefitted from a mentor or someone to explain things to and to push to pursue dreams and passions.

Come back to the present, where I am a mother of 3 young children. I myself am a woman beginning 40s now, still feeling energetic, but yet trying to catch up on time that was committed full-heartedly to my children and my family life. I now understand the challenges of motherhood. Wanting to be the best mother, but yet feeling like you don't want to loose yourself in motherhood. I want to take pictures of my children and prepare exciting projects and activities for us to do, yet I would like to be in those pictures from time to time. At first, it's ok to let yourself go, I feel you really have to commit to newborns and toddlers. After that it is time to start taking time out for yourself. But how much and, as in my case, how do you let go? Slowly, I've realized that if you don't make plans for yourself, plans will be made for you. The train will continue to roll without you. Feelings of "guilt" ensue when I can't sign up my daughter for another extra-curricular class, or continue to talk with her well past her bedtime. They are mild tugs at the heart, but they're still there. I feel like people ignore who I am, not just a mother to three lovely kids, but the me. There's always the: how are the kids, what are they up to, how is your husband, but seldom the: how are you? There's the requests for pictures of the kids, but seldom, can you send me a picture of you with the children. I've even been told to move to the side so that people can take a picture of the 3 kids--I'll leave names out, but it is hurtful to say that it is from people that are very close to me.

The me who was a writer, who liked listening to salsa music and doing crazy things from time to time. I still do some writing, and belt out a tune in my kitchen, but the crazy, sporadic things are for the most part gone. The friends and family that I once felt connected to have slowly drifted apart, partly due to distance and some I believe to the fact that they don't relate or perhaps do not see me in the same light as they did in the past.  So in essence, feelings like a used up newspaper that has been left out in the rain.

Don't feel bad. I know that I have to continue. That I have to continue in that search to find a perfect balance for me and to not loose sight of who I was and who I want to become.