So, I've talked a lot about goal setting and giving more time for myself in 2016. That is still one of my priorities for this year. But, this year I'm uncovering or rediscovering my love for my vocation as a mother...again!
For many years now, probably the last 2 or so, I've struggled with the concept of motherhood and raising three small children while trying to find myself and dedicate time to some of my personal goals. It got to the point where the joys of motherhood were completely gone in the day to day. Instead of rejoicing in my children's accomplishments and their growth, I was too focused on what I was lacking in myself. It's a hard balance to achieve: being a great mother, enjoying those little moments with your children while still giving time for yourself. Early on in motherhood, I truly believed that it was all about the children, the time for myself was gone. I would wake up and take care of kids, forgetting to even brush my teeth at times. That phase didn't last too long. I was then at the phase of mostly for the children, I had enough time for brushing teeth, putting face lotion and lip gloss on. I put my personal dreams of writing, arts, physical, on the back burner while I dedicated my all to the kids. The goals for the kids were hefty: arts and crafts, check, learning time, check, socializing with friends, check. It helped that I had a supporting group of moms close by, all going through similar scenarios and all supportive of our goals and struggles.
Two years back I got caught in the trying to be supermom while still looking effortless bug. It was still all about the kids but in addition I had to play the perfect wife role, of doing it all and making it look effortless while trying to look fabulous. Ridiculous--I know. How anyone survives in this mode behooves me. That definitely didn't last long.
Fast forward to today, where I don't have a support group of moms, or anyone at all, except the kindness of my husband and friends and family many, many miles away. The demands of motherhood are many, and being isolated and feeling like there's no one to talk to is an emotional rollercoaster. I felt very angry. Angry at myself for neglecting myself for years letting it get to the point where I did not want to look in the mirror. Angry even at my husband, who although supportive, I felt had not done enough to dedicate alone time between us, and somehow encouraged this hectic pace of life. Angry at even strangers, who I felt passed judgment on me, and my looks, without really knowing who I was and what I was all about.
So how did I rediscover the passion in motherhood: slowly. I started noticing the little things in life again. My kids were really the answer. I started noticing all the wonderful things that were happening all around me. Our son's accomplishments with reading, his ability to light up the room with his smile. Our oldest capacity to recite a poem in a completely different language, her thoughtful heart and her wisdom beyond her years. Our youngest hugs and just being able to hold her and kiss her little head. I realized that these moments will only be here now. I need to enjoy them, or I will never have them, I will have lost them. So, I'm finding myself cuddling more with them. Talking more with them. Being there. That's really what it's all about: being with them. Not being for them. Not working for them. Although I do recognize that some parents have no other option than having to work. But, the ability to stay home and really be with them, not necessarily shuttling them from activity to activity. Sure activities are fun, but not when your whole day is spent in the car.
My vocation as a mother, is unique. Every mother and every parent is unique in how they love their children. I am learning to embrace who I am, who my children and our family is. Imperfections and all--that's what makes us unique and special. I'm learning to grab hold of the things I can be good at and do them well and whole heartedly. I'm learning to still dedicate time for myself to myself, by myself, so I can then be with my family as a whole individual--not as an absent parent, who is wishing for time for herself or time away from her family.
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