Happy

I watched a documentary on Happiness a few days ago. Yes, it was late at night and I was tired and couldn't find anything else to watch. But it actually turned out to be fairly refreshing to watch this documentary.

In this documentary, researchers found that after people's basic necessities are met (i.e. food, shelter, medicine) humans are not necessarily happier by having more things or acquiring more wealth and power. I have always felt this way, and try to live my life simply--or what I like to think is fairly simple.

So what things do we need for happiness? One of the things mentioned was finding "flow" or a level of concentration and ability where you feel accomplished. They found this in athletes performing at their peak, chefs just enjoying cooking food, artists and so on. It did not matter to the individual the amount of money they were paid or the recognition they were getting--they simply enjoyed doing this particular passion at a very high level.

Two other things they found made people feel happy was a sense of service to others--caring for others. Again, not because they had to, but because they wanted to. Caring for others helps individuals focus on something other than themselves, researchers found. Another factor that helps is having close friendships and family--even if it is not 100% peaceful.

One last factor mentioned was accepting certain circumstances that are beyond your control--for example a traumatic accident or experience.

They gave a telling example of what has been happening in Japan for the last decade or so. It is a growing number of Japanese men and women literally working themselves to death--"karoshi". It was mind boggling to me that someone could actually do this--but then again, we all know those people who work and do not live a very balanced lifestyle, have little time for friends or family, or for their personal health and spiritual well-being.

Okinawa, Japan surprisingly has the longest-living population. They credit this to many factors including finding "flow", close-knit communities and interaction across all generations--from the youngest to oldest. One of the most fulfilling times in my life was living in a community with people from all ages. I lived in a subdivision that was half retirees and half people with teenagers or younger kids. It was magic. The retirees were beautiful people who were happy and generally welcomed everyone into the community. I still remember walking with my children to the little table were they would gather to talk. They welcomed me and the kids so open-heartedly, I always left that table with a skip in my step and a light heart. I couldn't help feeling a little selfish because I knew me and my children were having this wonderful interaction with these people who truly had a lot to give and share. It made me a little sad to think that some people push their own grandparents or parents aside because they don't have time for them.

Compassion and acts of kindness was another factor that gave people happiness. Whether it's shoveling snow for a neighbor or the deepest dedication to the poor and sick, in the likes of Mother Theresa.

I couldn't help but think watching this documentary, that the people in the film who were happy, were not some super powerful, extremely attractive or wealthy people. They were blessed with what we truly blindly seek in material things: happiness. And what's great is that happiness is attainable, it doesn't just happen, we have to practice this by seeking what truly is genuinely us. Is it finding that "flow", giving to others, taking care of others--it might even be a mixture of things.

There are other factors that probably contribute to a fulfilling life--spirituality being one of them. The researchers in this documentary did not talk about religion or spirituality, but it truly is very important to believe in something greater than yourself.

So is happiness truly the key to life--the ultimate goal that one should strive for. Should I abandon everything and surf all the great waves? I don't think it's quite as simple as that--at least not for the majority of us. There are responsibilities to us, to others, to the community at large. And sometimes, in those responsibilities, you can find great fulfillment and satisfaction. But there is something novel in the idea of trying to get back to the core of what life should really be about--happiness being a key ingredient.

The other way to look at happiness is as a skill set--that if mastered or practiced effectively, can really lead to a more satisfying life. After all, wouldn't we want to carry out most of our days with joy instead of sadness and despair? I've always envied those people, strangers out on the street or the coffee shop, that seem to have a certain twinkle in their eye and genuinely seem very happy. It's not because they are fulfilled in every level, I'm sure, it's because they're practicing being happy. They are probably trying to master this skill set.

I have this goal for 2016, to practice being happy. Not easy at times, but truly, laughter, smiles and a skip in your step sound far more appealing to me than tears and frowns on my face. The way I look at it, would I rather get my wrinkles from laughter than from frowning all the time.

On finding love for my vocation...again

So, I've talked a lot about goal setting and giving more time for myself in 2016. That is still one of my priorities for this year. But, this year I'm uncovering or rediscovering my love for my vocation as a mother...again!

For many years now, probably the last 2 or so, I've struggled with the concept of motherhood and raising three small children while trying to find myself and dedicate time to some of my personal goals. It got to the point where the joys of motherhood were completely gone in the day to day. Instead of rejoicing in my children's accomplishments and their growth, I was too focused on what I was lacking in myself. It's a hard balance to achieve: being a great mother, enjoying those little moments with your children while still giving time for yourself. Early on in motherhood, I truly believed that it was all about the children, the time for myself was gone. I would wake up and take care of kids, forgetting to even brush my teeth at times. That phase didn't last too long. I was then at the phase of mostly for the children, I had enough time for brushing teeth, putting face lotion and lip gloss on. I put my personal dreams of writing, arts, physical, on the back burner while I dedicated my all to the kids. The goals for the kids were hefty: arts and crafts, check, learning time, check, socializing with friends, check. It helped that I had a supporting group of moms close by, all going through similar scenarios and all supportive of our goals and struggles.

Two years back I got caught in the trying to be supermom while still looking effortless bug. It was still all about the kids but in addition I had to play the perfect wife role, of doing it all and making it look effortless while trying to look fabulous. Ridiculous--I know. How anyone survives in this mode behooves me. That definitely didn't last long.

Fast forward to today, where I don't have a support group of moms, or anyone at all, except the kindness of my husband and friends and family many, many miles away. The demands of motherhood are many, and being isolated and feeling like there's no one to talk to is an emotional rollercoaster. I felt very angry. Angry at myself for neglecting myself for years letting it get to the point where I did not want to look in the mirror. Angry even at my husband, who although supportive, I felt had not done enough to dedicate alone time between us, and somehow encouraged this hectic pace of life. Angry at even strangers, who I felt passed judgment on me, and my looks, without really knowing who I was and what I was all about.

So how did I rediscover the passion in motherhood: slowly. I started noticing the little things in life again. My kids were really the answer. I started noticing all the wonderful things that were happening all around me. Our son's accomplishments with reading, his ability to light up the room with his smile. Our oldest capacity to recite a poem in a completely different language, her thoughtful heart and her wisdom beyond her years. Our youngest hugs and just being able to hold her and kiss her little head. I realized that these moments will only be here now. I need to enjoy them, or I will never have them, I will have lost them. So, I'm finding myself cuddling more with them. Talking more with them. Being there. That's really what it's all about: being with them. Not being for them. Not working for them. Although I do recognize that some parents have no other option than having to work. But, the ability to stay home and really be with them, not necessarily shuttling them from activity to activity. Sure activities are fun, but not when your whole day is spent in the car.

My vocation as a mother, is unique. Every mother and every parent is unique in how they love their children. I am learning to embrace who I am, who my children and our family is. Imperfections and all--that's what makes us unique and special. I'm learning to grab hold of the things I can be good at and do them well and whole heartedly. I'm learning to still dedicate time for myself to myself, by myself, so I can then be with my family as a whole individual--not as an absent parent, who is wishing for time for herself or time away from her family.

2016, bring it!

There's something about starting a new year that allows us, at least mentally, to have a "clean slate" or a new "bucket" of goals and resolutions. I like the promise of better, or maybe even just a continuation of good things that we've been blessed with in the past. Last year, was a year of realization for me. Especially towards the end of the year, as I started settling in to a new "home" again. Once the boxes were unpacked and to-do lists that come with settling in to a new place become shorter, it was time for me to focus on myself--a much needed introspective look.

With that said, I've discovered that less is sometimes more. In home decor, I think we're going to keep things pretty simple and bright. Less clutter, less trinkets, even less toys. Yes, less toys, the kids don't know this, but ignorance is bliss sometimes. I've slowly been eliminating some of the "extras" that they have in their bedroom. There's always going to be some sort of art project and things will be on the floor or "hidden," as our daughter likes to do with many of her things she creates or plays with. But we can do without the extra set of legos that look very similar to the first set. Or duplicate books. Also, books that are no longer applicable and hold no sentimental value. I always keep books that were a gift to the kids or to myself, they hold value to me. So I do away with the books that are torn or have no real story or ones that they have simply not really enjoyed reading. We'll always keep our Cat in the Hat books since they love these. But we're giving away the duplicate copies of nursery rhymes and disney princess tales we have. I'm also doing something similar with my wardrobe. I recently gave away some coats from the 90s -- yes the 90s. They went to some of the Syrian refugees that are here--much better use of the coats. I am also trying to define my day--and how to dress appropriately for it. So I've succumbed to the idea of getting some fitness attire that I can wear out as well as workout in. Not all the time, but sometimes.

One of my big goals is to really get in great shape. I'm focusing a lot more on strength and toning that being skinny. I'm focusing more on yoga and strength training with weights than anything else. I'm still going to run, but there are no big races on the agenda. I would like to do a headstand by this summer--that's my big AHA goal. I want to start the day with yoga and or strength training and end with a meditation or writing in a gratitude journal.

Another goal is quality over quantity. This applies to pretty much every area of my life. I've realized that I'm with the children ALL the TIME. Good I thought, we're together. But no so good, I've realized. It wears me out to the point where I'm not committing to quality time with them or my husband. So, the children will get more babysitters than usual and I will have some time for myself and when I come home, I will have quality time with the children. I'm committing to 3 hours of quality time for myself. Sometimes this will be just my 1 hour workout in the morning and a couple hours by myself when hubby comes home. But I would like to have a babysitter set up to watch the young one for three hours each day. And by the way, I'm so over people feeling guilty or making others feel guilty about dedicating time to yourself. It's not selfish, it can be very productive and in the end, very useful to those around us.

I commit to being happy and well taken care of in 2016!!

A little of this, a little of that

I was reminded this past week of the importance of keeping a balance and trusting your heart and your gut...sometimes. We took a family trip this week to the Black Forest. It was very fun and also a little tiring with three children in tow. But at the end of the trip we realized that we had not made any preparations for New Year's Eve, which also happens to be head honcho's b-day. So, no grapes, no champagne, no cider for the kiddos. Our daughter was extremely disappointed to say the least. I explained to her that yes, we do like to celebrate to welcome in the new year. But sometimes, we may not be able to as expected. Instead, we had taken a trip to the Black Forest and ridden on a Ferris Wheel, eaten great food and made our own vase at a glass blowing factory. Unfortunately, this didn't phase her. So, advice taken for next year. Celebrate big or small, but celebrate nonetheless.

But it did make me think that sometimes it's better to keep things balanced. I see a lot of people come to this area and think they have to travel every weekend. Unfortunately, with our clan, we cannot do that. We can probably travel every other weekend--if we live very frugal and stay in very cheap accommodations. But I've realized that's not really my pace. It probably is my husband's -- but not mine. And so, it's a matter of balance. Sometimes our tempo might be a little more aggressive and sometimes a lot slower (boring for my husband). But it's this compromise and balance that will probably keep us sane through our stay here. I've also found that the children enjoy the stability of being in one place, really learning a routine and having some things to look forward to. So some of our trips will be more children centered (or should I say completely) and others will be less children centered (or should I say, parents will get to do something fun).

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