This past week at my home, presented itself with some challenges. My son had his first soccer game of the season. His dad, my husband, is also his coach and so the whole family went to support them. The game started off good enough, both teams were a little rusty, but still trying their best to score a goal. They are still young and have 6 players per team out on the field and do not play full field yet.
It was during the second quarter that the coach from the other team started switching her players every 10 or 15 minutes and we started seeing problems. Clearly, the team was not playing by the rules which state you only switch players after the end of the quarter, when you let your subs in, or in the case of an injury. Our team was disheartened and also distracted by this constant switching and soon what was a one point lead turned out to be a 5 point lead. They clearly brought in their star player and our team's focus and stamina was thrown off. At the end of the game we had two children crying and my son, who is usually not bothered by much, was saying he didn't want to play goalie anymore. It turned out one of his own teammates had said some discouraging remarks to him.
My husband did say something to the other coach about fair play after the game. I thought he could have said more during the game, but then again he is the coach, so I let him be. What I did tell my son is that it's from games like these that we get our hidden gems. So much to learn. Sure, it was clearly not fair playing from the other team. Sure, something could have been done to prevent them from scoring. But hopefully, our team rises above this and comes out very resilient from this experience. I also hope they realize that one game does not determine how you'll do the rest of the season. They have a lot of work ahead of them. But it's in these struggles that you realize what you are made of. You can be defeated by mean words or unfair actions, or decide to rise above and find who you truly are and how far you can go.
My daughter has also been struggling with a relationship that is not positive. A friend who constantly puts her down about everything she says, does or even how she looks. It finally came to a head today and we realized that it is the best to completely sever ties with the child as well as the family. It is sad, but we have given it our best effort. And now we realize that we have to find positive relationships for her as well as for ourselves. She has to slowly build her confidence up and we have to help her achieve it and help her find her strengths and understand her weaknesses but not consider them catastrophic. I confided in her that I had a bully in Middle School. Unlike her, I never confided in my parents, feeling that it would make me look even weaker and foolish. There was a lot of pain from those two years, but I rose above that. I would like for my children to understand that there's nothing wrong in how they look, act or think. Everyone has positives and negatives. We have to embrace as much as we can and change the things we really want to change (for the right reasons). The answers of course, sometimes take years to discover, but that's where the gems come out of.
I spent the whole morning talking to her about our differences and how beautiful it is to have people of different background, colors, religions, etc. Yes it's nice to find people with similarities, but it's also good to respect people that are different than us. I fear that somehow we will get stuck in a community that may not be open to people that are too different. Not because I feel that we are so different, but because I feel that I want my kids to embrace people different from themselves. I want them to struggle a little, to fall and scrape their knees. I also want them to succeed, but I want them to understand that the learning sometimes comes from the failures and that the real successes are because of those same failures.
I never realized until recently, that there is no shame in feeling less, in feeling humble, in feeling incompetent. It's in those times of need and hopelessness, that you realize that the true success is in getting up and facing your fears, beating the odds and jumping over the obstacles. If they weren't there in the first place, the success would not be as sweet!!
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
Monday, September 17, 2018
I have one piece of advice: STOP listening to every piece of advice you hear on parenting. In the beginning of my parenting years I strived for what I thought was perfection. I would read all the parenting magazines, blogs, books and try to find the perfect solution to every problem, to every detail. From what the children should eat, their health, exercise, what they should be reading, what toys to purchase and the list goes on and on. I was overwhelmed by all the advice out there. Sure some of it made a lot of sense to me. But in all honesty, some of it felt completely unnatural and foreign to the way I usually carried on my life.
Now that the kids are a lot older, I have realized that there is no perfect--only what is perfect for YOU. It started dawning on me after the kids entered elementary school. I would listen to other parents and moms go on and on about the virtues of this one method of learning, or this one product. But of course, the method and the product only goes as far as we make it go. I slowly started realizing that it's not about what books they are reading, what sports and activities they are involved with, what shows and movies they are watching. Sure, it is important to know what your kids are up to and understand the benefits and drawbacks that they are receiving and encountering. But what really makes that product, book or movie go the extra mile, is YOU. Only you are able to understand and know what is best for your child and how you can make that book or activity work for them (and you).
My daughter put it best a few days ago when she compared me to two other moms who I admire greatly. She said one mom was the crafty mom, but that she was not in good shape. She said the other mom was in excellent shape and did all sorts of sports with her children, but never had the time to spend teaching them about music and art, and wasn't the cuddly mom. She said I was sort of in between--not quite as crafty but good enough and although sporty, I am not someone who'll go out into the woods spontaneously camping with my family. For her, this was the best of both worlds. I'm sure that if you asked my friends' daughters they would have a very different opinion of me and their moms.
And this is just right for my daughter--at least for now. I will never be the super organized mom, who can whip out a piece of art/craft in a few minutes. I will also not be the mom who sets up a tent in the wilderness--at least not entirely on my own ;) But I will be the mom who is striving to keep up with her children's activities and always trying to engage with them. Sometimes they might think it's boring that I always ask how they are doing and feeling. But I know that when they are in need for that hug--they will get it from me. And for some children, this is not what they need, not what they are used to. They will learn about resiliency and love in other ways. For me, one of my greatest joys is to have my family close to me doing an activity together, whether it is a sport outside or just reading books all cuddled up in bed. And that's the KEY. Let your children understand what is your JOY, what is it that makes you happy and what activities and passions can you share with your children. Once you discover that or share that with them, they will understand so many things about yourself and themselves.
Don't get me wrong. It is good to learn from our friends, our parents, our mentors. But it is also important for us to take those lessons learned and apply them to how we are, where we are in life, where our passions lie.
Some of us are stay-at-hom moms and can dedicate more time to one on one activities with our children or baking that apple pie with them from scratch. Others work a full-time job and can feel proud if they can show their children what it's like to be proud of the work they do, of a strong work ethic.
In the end, I think, that our children want to see us be happy. Not at their expense mind you. But they want to see us confident in what we are doing. They want us to engage with them and show them our passions--whether it's music, writing, art, sports, business, math, science, you name it.
If you can share that activity with your child, you will be able to connect in a way that some of us have failed to do.
SO my advice is not to strive to be this well-rounded person. I admit, there's nothing good about a parent who fails to get his child to school on time: EVERY DAY. I'm not advocating that. But I am advocating that you should cut yourself some slack on your downfalls and focus a little more energy on strengths you can model for your child. They will remember those far more, especially if you are able to engage them in those activities.
Now that the kids are a lot older, I have realized that there is no perfect--only what is perfect for YOU. It started dawning on me after the kids entered elementary school. I would listen to other parents and moms go on and on about the virtues of this one method of learning, or this one product. But of course, the method and the product only goes as far as we make it go. I slowly started realizing that it's not about what books they are reading, what sports and activities they are involved with, what shows and movies they are watching. Sure, it is important to know what your kids are up to and understand the benefits and drawbacks that they are receiving and encountering. But what really makes that product, book or movie go the extra mile, is YOU. Only you are able to understand and know what is best for your child and how you can make that book or activity work for them (and you).
My daughter put it best a few days ago when she compared me to two other moms who I admire greatly. She said one mom was the crafty mom, but that she was not in good shape. She said the other mom was in excellent shape and did all sorts of sports with her children, but never had the time to spend teaching them about music and art, and wasn't the cuddly mom. She said I was sort of in between--not quite as crafty but good enough and although sporty, I am not someone who'll go out into the woods spontaneously camping with my family. For her, this was the best of both worlds. I'm sure that if you asked my friends' daughters they would have a very different opinion of me and their moms.
And this is just right for my daughter--at least for now. I will never be the super organized mom, who can whip out a piece of art/craft in a few minutes. I will also not be the mom who sets up a tent in the wilderness--at least not entirely on my own ;) But I will be the mom who is striving to keep up with her children's activities and always trying to engage with them. Sometimes they might think it's boring that I always ask how they are doing and feeling. But I know that when they are in need for that hug--they will get it from me. And for some children, this is not what they need, not what they are used to. They will learn about resiliency and love in other ways. For me, one of my greatest joys is to have my family close to me doing an activity together, whether it is a sport outside or just reading books all cuddled up in bed. And that's the KEY. Let your children understand what is your JOY, what is it that makes you happy and what activities and passions can you share with your children. Once you discover that or share that with them, they will understand so many things about yourself and themselves.
Don't get me wrong. It is good to learn from our friends, our parents, our mentors. But it is also important for us to take those lessons learned and apply them to how we are, where we are in life, where our passions lie.
Some of us are stay-at-hom moms and can dedicate more time to one on one activities with our children or baking that apple pie with them from scratch. Others work a full-time job and can feel proud if they can show their children what it's like to be proud of the work they do, of a strong work ethic.
In the end, I think, that our children want to see us be happy. Not at their expense mind you. But they want to see us confident in what we are doing. They want us to engage with them and show them our passions--whether it's music, writing, art, sports, business, math, science, you name it.
If you can share that activity with your child, you will be able to connect in a way that some of us have failed to do.
SO my advice is not to strive to be this well-rounded person. I admit, there's nothing good about a parent who fails to get his child to school on time: EVERY DAY. I'm not advocating that. But I am advocating that you should cut yourself some slack on your downfalls and focus a little more energy on strengths you can model for your child. They will remember those far more, especially if you are able to engage them in those activities.
Friday, September 14, 2018
Mostly Mom: A New Beginning
Mostly Mom: A New Beginning: Today, right now, in this moment I am excited and a little afraid. The better word is not afraid but very aware and sobered. I write of this...
Thursday, September 13, 2018
A New Beginning
Today, right now, in this moment I am excited and a little afraid. The better word is not afraid but very aware and sobered. I write of this, because for the very first time I am at home with more than 3 hours of my own. The kids are all at school until the afternoon. There are no pressures at home, no urgent errands or calls that I have to make. I have finally pencilled (and this time with ink :)) time completely for me.
I have been writing for a long time, for the need to establish a balance between being a mother and wife and being true to myself as the, now "relatively" young, woman that I am. My goals and dreams have been written out and it is completely and absolutely up to me to realize them. If there are things or people standing in my way, they can be easily overcome. I am sobered because I know the time is right now. There is no better time and will not be a better time. Kind of like fruit that is ripe for the picking. I have traveled a long way to get to this point and I am excited that I am finally here.
At first, I was scared of putting myself first when the children were so little and dependent on me. Now, they are sometimes dependent, but I have seen them grow and flourish. Now, I feel they are calling me to step up--to my full potential, so that I can share in this life with them. I am no longer needing of showers or naps to recover from late nights or early mornings were I need to nurse or tend to a sick child. Yes, sometimes, we still have accidents and need to take care of our kids, but those are far and few between. And I also have all the energy and my dreams intact, I feel that my mind has settled somewhat but is still very curious and willing to learn new things.
I don't write this to brag or boast of where I'm at. I write to encourage other moms that if you're in this point of life, you have to grab it now. To those that are still with little ones at home, you may find that there are moments where you can grab time for yourself. If you can't, don't despair, there will be a time in the near future. Meanwhile, hang on to your dreams and your goals. Do not let them go. And if you're still discovering what those are, keep searching until you find them. I personally, have always loved to write. And my life, has always led me there. No matter when or where, this is what I truly love and one of the things I am meant to do.
I have been writing for a long time, for the need to establish a balance between being a mother and wife and being true to myself as the, now "relatively" young, woman that I am. My goals and dreams have been written out and it is completely and absolutely up to me to realize them. If there are things or people standing in my way, they can be easily overcome. I am sobered because I know the time is right now. There is no better time and will not be a better time. Kind of like fruit that is ripe for the picking. I have traveled a long way to get to this point and I am excited that I am finally here.
At first, I was scared of putting myself first when the children were so little and dependent on me. Now, they are sometimes dependent, but I have seen them grow and flourish. Now, I feel they are calling me to step up--to my full potential, so that I can share in this life with them. I am no longer needing of showers or naps to recover from late nights or early mornings were I need to nurse or tend to a sick child. Yes, sometimes, we still have accidents and need to take care of our kids, but those are far and few between. And I also have all the energy and my dreams intact, I feel that my mind has settled somewhat but is still very curious and willing to learn new things.
I don't write this to brag or boast of where I'm at. I write to encourage other moms that if you're in this point of life, you have to grab it now. To those that are still with little ones at home, you may find that there are moments where you can grab time for yourself. If you can't, don't despair, there will be a time in the near future. Meanwhile, hang on to your dreams and your goals. Do not let them go. And if you're still discovering what those are, keep searching until you find them. I personally, have always loved to write. And my life, has always led me there. No matter when or where, this is what I truly love and one of the things I am meant to do.
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