That Balancing Act

It's been running through my mind lately...as it has in the past 9 years since I've become a mother. What is the perfect balance between motherhood/parenthood and giving to one self?

I have had a difficult time with this one question; and I truly now believe that it is the million (or billion now days) question. If we only knew the answer to this then we would have all the answers and mysteries of the universe solved. Some mothers, as I did myself, go into motherhood head first, accepting all the challenges full-heartedly and doting on their children day in and out. Somewhere along that path, you may find yourself running out of gas, as I did not too long ago. And then you, or me in this case, resolve to commit more time for yourself (i.e. exercise, catching up with friend, hobbies, or taking a shower daily).

I, like many of us, come with baggage from a family that tried to do their best. Both parents worked and dedicated some time to family life, but the interpersonal connection was seldom there. I half-heartedly laugh as I correct my mother, for the up teenth time, that no, my best friend was not so and so. There were few extra curricular activities. I remember junior high and high school as a very lonely place, where a young girl could have benefitted from a mentor or someone to explain things to and to push to pursue dreams and passions.

Come back to the present, where I am a mother of 3 young children. I myself am a woman beginning 40s now, still feeling energetic, but yet trying to catch up on time that was committed full-heartedly to my children and my family life. I now understand the challenges of motherhood. Wanting to be the best mother, but yet feeling like you don't want to loose yourself in motherhood. I want to take pictures of my children and prepare exciting projects and activities for us to do, yet I would like to be in those pictures from time to time. At first, it's ok to let yourself go, I feel you really have to commit to newborns and toddlers. After that it is time to start taking time out for yourself. But how much and, as in my case, how do you let go? Slowly, I've realized that if you don't make plans for yourself, plans will be made for you. The train will continue to roll without you. Feelings of "guilt" ensue when I can't sign up my daughter for another extra-curricular class, or continue to talk with her well past her bedtime. They are mild tugs at the heart, but they're still there. I feel like people ignore who I am, not just a mother to three lovely kids, but the me. There's always the: how are the kids, what are they up to, how is your husband, but seldom the: how are you? There's the requests for pictures of the kids, but seldom, can you send me a picture of you with the children. I've even been told to move to the side so that people can take a picture of the 3 kids--I'll leave names out, but it is hurtful to say that it is from people that are very close to me.

The me who was a writer, who liked listening to salsa music and doing crazy things from time to time. I still do some writing, and belt out a tune in my kitchen, but the crazy, sporadic things are for the most part gone. The friends and family that I once felt connected to have slowly drifted apart, partly due to distance and some I believe to the fact that they don't relate or perhaps do not see me in the same light as they did in the past.  So in essence, feelings like a used up newspaper that has been left out in the rain.

Don't feel bad. I know that I have to continue. That I have to continue in that search to find a perfect balance for me and to not loose sight of who I was and who I want to become.