It's a been a tough 2 1/2 months. We've had a bout of pink eye that hit two kids and myself. Then the inevitable cold and cough just about 3 weeks ago. We're hopefully on the end of this sickness. In the meantime, my weight has been dropping, I'm now at 104 lbs. Not intentionally. I'm concerned as to why I'm losing so much weight. The doctors cannot find anything wrong, my first three exams all tested normal for thyroid, anemia and blood sugars. I've been told to eat more--and so I am trying to do that. I may just add a bottle of Ensure to my lunch or as a snack to help me out. My clothes are really loose and not a very flattering picture. And so, here I am trying to see what's at the root of all this. I'm trying to not stress, since I think stress is what is affecting my health in the first place.
Today I saw the neighbors' kids riding their bikes all on their own. No sign of the parents anywhere. I'm sure the mom was keeping tabs on them from a window once in a while. They just learned to ride their bikes two days ago. Sure, the neighborhood is a safe place and we live on a circle, not a busy street at all. I wonder if I would have the courage and self-control to let go of my kids and let them ride their bikes on their own when the time comes. I'm not commenting this to chide the mom. I actually admire her. She is a smart mom--taking it all in stride. She's also a mom of three and busy as heck. So she lets go sometimes, that's how she keeps balance and sanity. That's how kids grow up and learn. They may fall, they may bump into things (hopefully not a car), but they're in they're neighborhood--really they only ride about three houses down. They have a set of rules they follow--for the most part. So my goal is to let go of things a little bit. So that my kids can learn. So that I can have time for myself. So that life is less stressful. Sometimes chaotic but I can't pretend that everything is packaged up and neat all the time. Life is messy. Life is a beautiful mess! Today at mass I asked for enlightenment, for hope, for strength. For clarity--really. Clarity to see things for what they are, to not let my emotions get the best of me. For strength and energy to keep up with this beautiful, chaotic, messy life that I have. It's full, it's rich, it's intense. For the discipline to let go of things, of my kids, a little bit. And that's what I'm going to try to do. Sometimes I long for the quietness my life was before getting married and before kids. And then I look back and remember how lonely I felt and how I at that time asked for things to fill up my time, my space, my heart, my life. And I have what I want. I just have to know how to handle it all, how to keep myself, me and how to still be in the thick of it with my kids, my husband. I envy the moms that have realized this perfect "imperfect" balance of their lives. They look more rested, fuller, happier than what I think I am. I hope to be one of those moms, sooner rather than latter.
Xo,
Vanessa
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